Prick Patrol

hey everyone. my name is Tony and sometimes i am a prick.
some have said to me "you're just a big puritan prick" (maybe i even said it to myself). And to that i think.. yeah. i also wonder "what exactly is a puritan...are we speaking historically here, like the great awakening kind of prick.. or..is that a 'the Simpson's' style label attempting to be more humorous and idea driven then 'literally accurate', endowed with a taste of sarcasm to get some deep truth outta me. i don't know, but i am both bothered and proud to be a prick... i guess part of me thinks...hey I"M FINALLY A MAN!!
i used to be an extreme people pleaser and i'd only ever do mean things to people if there was some great multitude there that would make me their King for being so funny and mean. I had too low of self-esteem. no real backbone to confront people or to do anything that would make those i respected mad at me or disagree with me , so.. in that sense, i am a happy prick.
but i also think to myself, why the crap am i a prick? obviously i've been enough of one so that when someone like Luke Flaming says "tony, your a prick" i respond, "yep". But why?
'Tony' i ask myself...

'where is the fruits of the Spirit?'

'oh they're there...sometimes' i respond

'but why aren't you living in them all the day'

'i try... kind of ... sometimes'

'why are you a prick? why aren't you meek like Christ'

'Christ was only meek towards some people, and if i am meek i want it to be because i trust Christ, not because i have low confidence in myself. actually i think i am more confident in myself, not as boastful or prideful, nope, i think I'm a thousand times more okay with myself, and so i don't need to find my approval from other people'

'so you're saying what? that God told you that you are okay being a prick?'

'no, i just mean that.. i dunno, i think people who are out to please and obey God rather man will ALWAYS appear to be a prick to certain people... like Peter in his speeches in Acts, at Pentecost... the Pharisee were like "that prick cant talk to us like that..we are children of God!!!!" .. so shouldn't i expect, as i am more secure in God, and i don't speak out because of insecurity, that ill appear more of a prick to people?'

'Tony...Tony, tony, tony... this is not a discussion of how you APPEAR to people, but of who you ARE... you respond 'yep' to someone calling you a prick, not asking if you "appeared" to be one."

'okay you got me there'

'and all that doesn't justify actions that grieve the Holy Spirit, that aren't growing from the Fruit of the spirit'

'yeah you are right, i guess. but you know...the fruit of the Spirit doesn't LOOK like how we'd expect all the time, look at how Paul wrote about certain people in his letters, or how Jesus acted toward people...we'd go, "oh i don't know if thats FRUIT!!! doesn't seem very kind or patient, or loving..there's gotta to be a better way", some fruit doesn't appear to be what we'd call 'fruit', and we think "fruit" is everyone walking around saying encouraging things about everyone and smiling and praying for each other in Greek and talking theology and not getting angry about how people are twisting Gods words and offending HIM, Calling themselves Kingdom workers when they probably have no part in Christ, "fruit" we think is telling everyone that God loves them and is never angry at them, its going to Briercrest and attending all chapels, its enjoying and worshiping God, even if you cant stand the music or the people playing the music, its thinking YOU are wrong all the time, and that it can't possibly something wrong with others that bothers you, cant be chapel, cant be Dwanye Uglem, much less his "preaching", no... it must be you cuz you are a sinner saved by grace..and not a new creation that has no need of insecurities or attempts to look holy, even if by thinking your a terrible sinner all the time and calling that 'humility'. -p.s. if THAT is humility ..then how could God, CHRist, be humble, since he was not...IS NOT a sinner at all, (except that Christ took our sin upon himself...but not because he thought LOW of himself, but because he Humbled himself..they aren't the same thing.'

'well, tony, thats all very true and wonderful...'

'uh huh... your silence is scaring me'

'yeah well.. all that you said may be the most deep, prophetic, truth- busting out the wrong ideas and ways of the masses, ushering a new era of salvation and grace the world hasn't seen since ST. Francis....but....'

'but...'

'well. what does all that have to do with anything...we are speaking about YOU, about why you know that you are a prick sometimes, why YOU hold back from the spirit, why You hold back from Love and live the life a cynic too much, why you are afraid of letting go of your bitterness because you seek Justice, why you still hide anger at people and things that is only God getting angry and living inside you, and why you get pissed off at stuff when God would shower grace and understanding and patience.'

'you're right, im a prick'

' TONY, YOU ARE NOT A PRICK'

'yes i am, don't ham it up wth me, i know who i am, i know what i think and say, to may best of friends, to my mom, to the people i love more than anything, i know how bad a lover or boyfriend i can be, have been, how i am afraid of marriage and parenthood because i know i'm soooo fricking rotten'

'TONY, shut up... please just Shut UP!!!... ... YOu are a new creation in Christ.. weren't' you just ranting about that?... those fears, those sins, those thoughts, are not ALL YOU, besides being the devils, which, lets admit, a bunch of it probably is...it is the sin in you, the sin Christ put away so that, if you ADD ALL THAT UP< YOU DON'T GET WHAT MAKES UP "YOU", YOU have been started a new, in Christ you are not a sinner, you have the ability to LOVE, to do what only the one good Christ could do before, his Spirit is in YOU, all the YOU that LOVES God, and Loves others and CRYs at night for those you do not yet know God, all of you that seeks God and hates not having him here to walk in the cool of the day with, ALL SUCH THING ARE YOU! you are made up of what GOd says you're made up of, this is not a decree where you can be a prick or get a gal pregnant (or at least try to, over and over again) and then say "hey thats not me, thats the sin Christ died for, the real wouldn't do that, therefore i have no need to stop or repent!!" but then the one saying that would not be the REAL YOU CREATED IN GOD, tony the point is you have a choice to live in the new YOU of faith and love, or repentance and forgiveness, the one who walks away for sex because you LOVE GOD too much and LOVE her too much , not because you know you could never get away with such an act in Caronport without SOMEBODY finding out, its not about excusing stuff, but about knowing you have an opportunity to live with God today, following him today, You are not a prick tony creech, you're not "full of shit", you are God's child, yes in desperate need of hugs, but his child nonetheless.'

'yeah i do have a problem thinking that i'm guilty all the time, forgetting how much i am Forgiven, i carry my sin on and on, and don't let it go, don't forgive myself, which keeps me form believing that i can do good, which makes living in the Spirit and living for God impossible'

'yes, tony, remember a couple sundays ago?'

'yes i was confront with the idea of communion and the forgiveness of Christ, his blood, his body...and i realized in him i can be forgiven and i don't have to be a 'sinner' anymore but a veritable "saint", like Francis!!!!, i had my heart swell in me and rise upon the crest of a wave i could not control and He said, I FORGIVE YOU, and my heart broke for joy and i felt like God loved me and forgave like i haven't in years, i felt ...NOt... Guilty...knowing what i deserve....oh how precious that communion IS!!! how sweet the loss of all my guilt and pains, all my self hatred, and this done not by me forgiving myself or psychology, not by counseling, but by the blood of the one who didn't forget me, who did not hide in His love for me but who came back and showed that he wouldn't let me go without the greatest of fights, that gives me his LIFE his Spirit so that i can fight, i fight i WILL'

'tony, i love these talks'

'me too.. i had FORGOTTEN HOW CHRIST DIED and FORGAVE ME!!! i am not such a prick! i am not one constantly caught being bad by God, but one God gave himself to that i might- impossible of impossibles- do GOOD and LOVE and be SELFLESS, ,..wow wow wow
i need a minute just to take all this stuff in... you know what this means???!! this forgiveness!!!!!'

'take all the time you need, tony, take all the time you need'