the Blah

has this summer almost slipped away?

and here i am so uninspired. so fraught with thought but no filled cup to pour from.

this long work and knocking has bled me dry of the kind of mental-emotional energy that it takes to write, sing, draw, blog, record, edit, etc.

usually i'm on many projects at once. now i'm a single-minded man, weary at the day's end.

My sleep is all broken, and i can't remember not waking up in the middle of the night.

is it stress? i feel stressed in sleep, stressed thinking i'll get phone calls of sales cancellations or something.

I'm typing now, because its the weekend, and there was some rest in the day, and now some juice in the box, but not much.

going to a church in Rocklin tomorrow.. wonder what it will be like. i don't expect much. maybe i'm super realist, or just smart enough to doubt great things happening, or just blah.

i guess i feel kind of blah.

but it's blah that's under control.

does that make sense? i mean i use it, or choose it, rather. I choose the task that is most important at the moment to spend the energy on, and push other stuff aside.

well, i try to, at a least.

i wonder if this is important... or just blah.

I'm Starting

I’m starting to like sales.

Its tough, the hardest. But it is rewarding.

I like everything it’s bringing up in me, all the issues it attacks. It takes such courage and self-togetherness to be a great salesman. It takes and extremely strong mind that can listen to a million rejections and lies and still smile at the very next door a few seconds later. It takes getting your mind and life straight.

You can’t have a messed up life at all and be anything of a salesman, especially door to door. You’re emotions must be in check, your goals, your prioirites.

It’s the greatest character building thing I’ve done in the last four years.

I knew it would be so, which is why I chose to do it. I wanted to see how old Tony would hold up to such conditions, such challenge, such terribly relentless hard work that makes you soo sleepy and yet which has you waking up in stressful fits all night.

I haven’t had a whole nights sleep in weeks. I wake up four or five times, and am always tired. I hope I get over this.

I like this. There are moments (especially at the end of the week) when I want to run far far away and do an easy job, like cleaning classrooms, or teaching.

But God has given me a chance to learn and to master not only my mind and self, but to be able to read, handle, and direct social interactions on a crazy level. Plus I can get paid out the wazoo. AND I get to live with my baby brother (who is a great saleskid and who has more than twice the sales I do.... But I will catch him yet! .. P.S. Last week He was rated as #2 in the whole company for sales.. Crazy!)

If everyone could do it, it wouldn’t pay so much.

I hope I get the hang of it. So far, so good.

Long story short: I don’t hate sales anymore. I kind-of like it (especially when you sell stuff you can believe in, something good.) Learning sales has meant so much maturing and dealing with stuff and becoming a man and all that glorious Life-Learning stuff many never do. how can I hate it?

But I can’t wait for the job to be done and have a chance to see you again.