religous "Blending"

If you want to blend in, in any church or cult, be it a Lutheran supper or Wednesday muffins at Heaven’s Gate Cult or a typical Jehovah Witness lock-in, you can very simply, when the meal/service/kool-aid time is over, start putting away chairs.  When they see you put chairs away they know you are one of them, and not just one of them, but a solid ‘top-notch’ believer.  This key might save your life someday.

I used it at a Morman christmas supper yesterday night and I had folks (yes, it was a woman in a classic ugly mormon moo-moo-ish dress..that was light blue denim)  chatting with me at length, and, when mentioning a brother of hers, she used the insider phrase ‘he’s not a member’ to differentiate him from one of “us.”  Even a dread-headed model like me who didn’t close his eyes or fold his arms during their prayers can fit in and be assumed a mormon.   See..... I told you. Cleaning up, especially in the chair-putting-away department is key. You could become a bishop.  

All you need is a religion and a meeting involving chairs.

Note on Praying, if you keep your eyes on the religious leader until everyone closes their eyes -you’re safe. No need to fold arms or use whatever posture they choose to get their heavenly reception tuned in right.  So, unless you take a posture of “what do I do” like you look around at everyone when someone says ‘let us pray’ or ‘lets bow our heads’ or ‘it’s carpet time’,  prayer requires no effort because they can’t see you.

Muslims are harder to fit in with because of certain religious fashions (the Sikh too), and because depending on the muslim praying fashion or sect, they could have their eyes open. But you’ll likely never need or want to “fit in” with them so, no worries.

For catholic masses, or any “pew” situation, of course the chair trick is useless, so one must take things up a notch to be left alone. The key there is to wear a suit (white shirt should be choice, as some sects use them religiously [pun intended]...unless its a black church, but white can pass their too, but no ‘top-notch’ rewards) and you must shake peoples hands and smile and carry a large ‘scripture-esque’ book with you, and you’ll be assumed to be on the “in”.  If you want people to think you’re top-notch, then say something like “you’re a blessing” to the pastor/preist/speaker/talk-giver/juice-pourer dude, and everyone will think you are a top-notch slinger in that religion. Babes will follow. And remember, you are always “visiting here from canada/california/put-interesting-place-here”.  I once had a leather journal of mine mistaken for a bible (which is funny, cuz it doesn’t look like any bible-leather cover I’ve ever seen, but hey, points are points)

The christmas supper was the first Morman thing I’ve really done in a long while in terms of the psuedo-christian cult social circuit.  My dad and step-mum and my baby sis went, so I had addition introductions and people would say things indicating they knew all about me like “enjoying the warm weather for a change?” and I’d think “how do they know I’ve been living in canada....?” so... I guess my dad shares more about me than I ever imagined.  I got invited by a mom or two to their “firesides” or “singles social events” ... They must’ve been convinced by my chair moving that I was a mormonite ... They’ll be sad when I never show up on a Sunday...although I bet they have daughters who would be awesome sacrifices for the Creech volcano.  Maybe I should go to a mormon singles event.....um....nahhhhhhhh. I’d rather hit myself in the face with a tack-hammer...  ...unless I’m bored one night.

Good thing I rarely get bored.