Friday, December 31

2010 in sum

Things that happened.
  1. Came back to canada, moose jaw
  2. Made the Admit You video. Enjoy.
  3. Made the I Love Briercrest Videos, 1 and 2.
  4. Got the VideoMaster Job at Briercrest, salary and vacation fun!
  5. Amy Hansen gave in to her crazy thoughts and asked me out. We dated!!!
  6. Drove to Montreal and Quebec City, Toronto, Niagara, Sault St. Marie, Winnipeg.
  7. Got Anthem Back together for a show with a bunch of new songs.
  8. Joined the Philly 5 crew, playing drums.
  9. Got back together with Friend Friend for a while for drums and singing.
  10. Played shows in Winnipeg, Edmonton, Alberta, MJ, Calgary, etc. For $
  11. Went to the GMA’s “Covenant Awards” and puked in Starbucks bathroom.
  12. Man Camp 2010, a much needed time in manland.
  13. Created over an hour of animations for the Briercrest Christmas Celebration. A hit.
  14. Started playing my first fantasy role playing game, D20 modern. In Love, for Life. Thanks To Drew Hildebrand
  15. Made amazing new life-long friendships, The Sims, others,
  16. Lived with The Leptich’s.
  17. Moved back in with the France, and for the first time with Cappy and Campbell. Into a house! We have a yard and BBQ’s!
  18. Finally got an iPhone. Life will never be the same.
  19. Here for Friend Christmas- yes!
  20. Watched the entire series Firefly, and Serenity, named the house after her.
  21. Fringe, Dexter, 24, Apple events (watching them announce stuff).
  22. All the James Bond movies with friends and olives...
  23. Got engaged to Amy Hansen!
  24. Drove to B.C., Vancouver Island, Victoria. Met the future in-laws on the Sheri-side
  25. Valentines Party at the Pierson’s, Cabin Day with them and the Flamings, new Traditions and much love.
  26. Hung with the Pierson’s in Caronport, and in Abbotsford.
  27. Studio Drummer for different people’s projects at JawBone. Fun.
  28. Flamings Got Preggo, Pierson’s Got Preggo, Hlady’s got Preggo and babied.
  29. Eric La France got a girlfriend, Amanda Gerdes.
  30. Jen Leptich got engaged!
  31. Did not go to USA once this year, crazy.
  32. Turned 30. Wow.
  33. Bought an EX1R.
  34. Sister had a baby. Little Scarlett.
  35. Took a thousand pictures on my iPhone.
  36. Read almost 30 books, over 10 more audio books, and hundreds of blogs and articles.
  37. Achieved almost every goal I set for the year.
  38. Lost over 20 pounds, ran easily over a hundred miles.
  39. Gained 10 pounds back in November-December, ran 0 miles those months, haha!
  40. Barely Blogged. busy writing scripts and things.

Sunday, August 8

The Simple Truth.

Nothing, for me, is simple. (even that statement, upon the further reflection of typing this second one, is much too simple to be true, and it’s not.)  
It would seem simple enough to create an adage “if someone thinks something is simple, they are wrong”, though, how could such a thing be true in every context -when such few (if any) things are? That would also assume we could know every context. We already have an issue seeing correctly the contexts that we have looked at with scrutiny (we see them as far more simple then they are).  
Perhaps I’m using a rather complex bit of text to say simply that ‘everything is complex; even more complex then we now know.’  Choose something you know, really think on it, and you’ll soon see it as more complex then you thought it before, regardless of how complex you thought it before.  
There are manners of speaking, of course, wherein we include the concepts of simplicity and complexity, and, often, things can be said to be ‘simple’ in those relative circumstances. Take the idea of a problem on your computer: you can’t find a file. You search in every folder you can click on and you say “I can’t find that file”. This continues until a 12 year-old enters the scene and uses the handy search field and, like Apple Magic, the file is found. You say ‘wow’ and the 12 year-old says “it's simple.” I know, such a terrible example, it could never happen to you, but that enhances the point- we think something is complex until we think we know it.  Even engineers -who study for years- cough out the words, when they are demonstrating some complex bit of arrangement to a colleague they are exacerbated with, saying “ it’s really very simple.”
And so it goes, from some odd clever person to another, in a wide cycle of one-ups-man-ships that we enjoy around the globe daily. But it's quite a different thing, to know how to 'simply talk to a girl', than to understand the complexities of why this young specimen of the species Homo sapien [latin for ‘knowing’ or ‘wise’ ‘man’] seems to desire so strongly to talk to her at all (especially when he would be awfully unhappy if all he got to do was simply talk to her.)
I really do scratch my head weekly, as terribly simple and ignorant words fly from pulpits around the spinning earth... and simple people enjoy them.  I guess I just have too deep a sense of the paramount atrocity that conflating ideas reek upon civilization.  We live in an elaborately involved complex of realities (reality meaning a 'realm of consciousness'). You are blind to the reality experienced on the other side of the globe, until the New York Times posts an article about it with photos that make you feel you get enough of a glimpse to open your mind to some other reality some other poor soul is living far away from you and your take on things.  The universe is a multiverse, and a complicated and labyrinthine one at that. You hardly can look closely at something you see every day, only to notice a tangled and bewildering existence that baffles the mind (at least my mind). This is why I hate pictures of human skin, where, all the land of small creatures it truly is, is exposed and in color. I like to believe that if you zoomed in on my skin, you’d simply see the smooth skin I see. Not the cracks of my lego-body much too closely resembling the lego building blocks of my monkey cousin, I hope isn’t as related to me as some apes claim. I’d rather pretend I’m not the universe to a host of living things -mostly inside me- and so I do, and I say “I’m simply me- take a look- do you see anything else here? No, of course you don’t, it's just me, plain and simple.” 
There is no truth that is straightforward.  Even reading this sentence you are reading something completely different than I’m thinking as I type- and there is no way around it, italics of not. I know that there is a limited range of meaning, I’m only pointing out that the considering of such things is vastly convoluted, if not Byzantine.  Hence the misunderstandings, and why else would you be asking yourself what exactly the point of this particular arrangement of the alphabet is.  The point is that “ghsdjkdhakdhsad” is the only simple thing in existence. There is no such thing as “chaos.” The nano-second you label it with some simple word to pretend you understand it, you err  Chaos is better revealed in the agonizingly ordered stacks of baseball cards sitting in attics across america. Chaos is starting each sentence with a capital letter.  One reason I think so many people want to find a “God” is only to simplify the myriad of multifarious possibilities. How exceptionally annoyed I can be, when kindhearted folks attempt to placate my sprawling mental voyages by trying to moralize me into accepting ‘what is so simple.’  I will not feel guilty for not being as ignorant as the next guy, no matter how ignorant I’m doomed to be, in my limited cubicle of perception.  I don’t mind not being able peel back the curtain on the heavens, as much as being told that I am not allowed to look for the seams.
If the existential moment wasn’t a thorny, knotty, nexus lying outside the peripheral vision of the masses (obsessed with ignoring pictures of creatures on their skin) we might have less killing in the name of invisible creations, and no need to drink imported beer.  If, at midnight, I’m not so sure of the senseless (literally) things that no one is sure of, then, at midnight, I just may be that much more brilliantly honest. Or perhaps the great canvass, that this checkered and variegated reality is but a thread in, alludes me. Plus... I’m tired.

Saturday, June 12

Blank and Loud.

Maybe I’ve been slow to post, as of late.
And what of my silence, of my failure to express?  True, I’ve felt fatigued and emptied by all the expression needed for day to day life. And yet, there is more. I also feel a bit stuffed with thoughts I only share with myself, and an increasing awareness of my uniqueness in the world. 
My thoughts are not revolutionary so much as they are isolating.
Maybe I feel like a man who stands before his peers to tell a tale, and estimates that they are too numerous to have but a few who care or are capable of understanding.
Maybe it’s the fatalistic feeling that nothing can really change anyway, only evolve, like the microevolution of bacteria inside our tylenol-subdued heads. Why then speak?
If early life is a growing and building, than maybe maturity is simply that which was built being attacked and then many parts of it/us dying, save the few pieces that have the unusual composition to survive. Those remaining pieces grow and are what’s left of us, if anything.  Maybe that is why some wither so fast and why some last an age.  The ones who last are like super-bugs, immune to life’s anti-bacteria. Maybe that’s why many adults live as shadows of the children they once were, like mutant, surviving-strains; a piece of what had been, the remnant that survives, however twisted and different.
Maybe what I am as an adult, is simply what is left over from the killing of my feeble pieces by life.  
A rock can brake a window, but an opportunity can break your concentration, or even your mind, if you allow your imagination to get ahold of it.  I think people both need imagination to survive as humans, and that it keeps them from really living. Imagination is what allowed us to build the first bed, when we’d slept on the ground. It is also what keeps us up at night, what strangles us in a hundred-thousand ridiculous and dangerous religions, and what makes us hate our present realities.
For my part, I love opportunities, and don’t fear them. Somewhere in my mind as a child the notion grew that one who misses opportunities is the real fool of life. They complain and muse of the life they can imagine, but aren’t ever offered.  But on the other hand,  All an opportunity needs to do, is to show up with his many kin, and the food is set out for that monstrous imagination to feast on and reign. His rule is a mad, slow, death. And so, we don’t fear an opportunity as much as we fear his arriving with many brothers and sisters. 
Opportunities disconnect you from yourself and your own will, since they are offered from outside you.  You can serve opportunities because they are all around you, and never accomplish anything you’d actually like to do. Besides that even, often we’d have no idea of what we’d like to do -because of how we have strong imaginations and can pretty much imagine a million things that we would love to do, though the lot of them are bunk.
I’m not venting out because I feel surrounded by choking opportunities (my starry array of opportunities are checked by a deeply conceived plan I’ve set out for myself).  I assume it looks that way.
Perhaps I wanted to type away until I started using words like “bunk” and “microevolution.”  Or, perhaps I, like you, simply wanted to see what I would come up with. Perhaps I wanted to illustrate in this arrangement of linear symbols knitted into prose, that poetic blank and loud.  Loud in its echoing waves of existence, while blank in  its state of existence.  The Blank and Loud is the opportunity to speak, and then not to. It is the opportunity to write to you while keeping my life and oscillating thoughts strictly to myself.

It must be a place-holder card of sorts, to stand for all the things it would take me too long to say. Things I really have been thinking about.

what a strange post.

Wednesday, April 7

Misty Thought


Tired.
Emotionally so, I think.
Eyes closed, as to sleep, but my mind is a fire of a thousand flames.
Amy asks me what I’m thinking about- holding my hand.
It would feel like picking a single grain out of a thousand to choose a single thought and claim it as the one I was thinking.
I realize that sometimes, like now, my thoughts are a million drops of water in the air, like the mist of a waterfall, akin to the Buddhist universe. Like the blood in my body, a million mental streams of thought pour through my consciousness.
I’m thinking about my future, about relationships in general, about how I don’t like trash in cars, about cheating couples and the fate of any relationship. I’m thinking about amy being a Blue and my being a Yellow, and if that means she’ll be loyal and never cheat on me. I’m thinking about how when I choose to say something or write something down, the streams of thought narrow and the midst hits land to become a single, strong, thought.
I’m thinking of how I don’t like cats and how I like dogs, but would prefer to not have any pet to look after. 
Maybe I’m feeling more than thinking.
Maybe the two aren’t as antithetic as people are prone to paint them.
They are strewn as a dichotomy, but I might want to find that false.
I think of how I often secretly don’t believe that feelings are anything more than thoughts that get mis-labeled because they are different. Like the way kids in the deep corners of china are told and believe that ‘white people’ or ‘americans’ are aliens from outer-space, and thats why they look so different.
Emotions: separated thoughts, so we can fear them and have distance between us and them.
It does help, I admit, psychologically speaking, to separate the energies of the brain into an ‘intellectual’ spectrum and an ‘emotional’ one. It’s pragmatic to do so, and helpful.
It does not follow that emotions are not thoughts.
I think now that my thoughts are more like a wide river of ideas flowing in the same direction, rather than a scattered mist.
It is very much like me to sit and have a million thoughts simultaneously, like seeds of corn popping in the microwave, each thought bearing a bit of fruit.
Feeling can be so much like thinking. I know that it’s been proven that a lot of what we ‘feel’ is simply our unconscious mind and it’s calculations affecting the body and conscious mind. The deductions of your unconscious mind leak into your conscious mind and you feel scared, because the logic of your situation doesn’t add up. 
I like sometimes, to sit and let my mind blur to a large mist of calculations and unemotional considerations. When I think of them being unemotional, I guess I mean emotional, just not stressful. 
If we are simply bio-computers, like some posit, the price we pay for being soft is that we feel that terrible ‘stress’ often, and in a plethora of ways. I’d much rather monitor a ‘stress meter’ on my arm and not feel a thing, than to be occasionally overwhelmed and irrational and stupid because my insides worry about how I will ever get along in life.
I guess this is how I veg. I stop pinning down my thoughts to specific words and motives, and turn them loose like birds from the cage. I mist.
I think I haven’t blogged in a long time because of how must mental pinning down my life and work have required the past few months. 
When I am free of that, I catch-up on my mist time, where I let my mind sway in a gigantic tide of ocean, and natural wave and teem with life.
I guess I could always blog on my mist itself. Aim it as a river. Not too much as to destroy it or introduce too much motive or stress. But enough to write something down. Beats staring out the car window as we drive from Quebec City back to Montreal and down to Toronto.